tetrapharmakos.

19, portland, genderqueer kid.
they/them/theirs // he/him/his
going by the name buddy
calling a small college town home
my face | ask away

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the sound I heard when I was 9 and my father slammed the front door so hard behind him I swear to god it shook the whole house. For the next 3 years I watched my mother break her teeth on vodka bottles. I think she stopped breathing when he left. I think part of her died. I think he took her heart with him when he walked out. Her chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s all the blood in the sink. It’s the night that I spent 12 hours in the emergency room waiting to see if my sister was going to be okay, after the boy she loved, told her he didn’t love her anymore. It’s the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. So much blood.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the time that I had to stay up for two days straight with my best friend while she cried and shrieked and threw up on my bedroom floor because her boyfriend fucked his ex. I swear to god she still has tear streaks stained onto her cheeks. I think when you love someone, it never really goes away.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the six weeks we had a substitute in English because our teacher was getting divorced and couldn’t handle getting out of bed. When she came back she was smiling. But her hands shook so hard when she held her coffee, you could see that something was broken inside. And sometimes when things break, you can’t fix them. Nothing ever goes back to how it was. I got an A in English that year. I think her head was always spinning too hard to read any essays.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I do.

—   It’s not that I don’t love you.  (via extrasad)

(via strawberriesonyrbday)

trans-formyourself:

I’m in over my head

euo:

“Depression is an inability to construct a future.”
Side Effects (2013) dir. Steven Soderbergh

euo:

Depression is an inability to construct a future.”

Side Effects (2013) dir. Steven Soderbergh

(via you-ignorant-shart)

Who would have guessed that it’s possible to use ‘you’re such a fuck’ in a really endearing way?

meadowkitten:

I have a very big crush on u but sadly I am only a little bug and u are a garden

(via nativeandnaive)

fheathers:

in the bathroom at the portland poetry slam. by fheathers.

fheathers:

in the bathroom at the portland poetry slam. by fheathers.

(via you-ignorant-shart)

trans-formyourself:

I’m in over my head

(Source: hoyss, via whalesbeforemales)

juipiter:

fliowers:

went to the cutest little cafe today they had this little herb garden by the entrance 

I love when people reuse old things to foster new life

juipiter:

fliowers:

went to the cutest little cafe today they had this little herb garden by the entrance 

I love when people reuse old things to foster new life

(via theseareoctoberwishes)

jabberwockysuperfly:

The lack of tattoos on my body is highly upsetting.

(via yourgirlsreplacement)

martinekenblog:

Blue tattoo by artist Sir Lexi Rex

(via coldheartedandhonest)

The Oh Hellos - In Memoriam

In Memoriam - The Oh Hellos
And you’ll hold me like you’ll never let me go
And beside the salty water I could hold you close
But you are far too beautiful to love me

(Source: play-listings)

fyawn:

am i a boy? am i a girl? who knows!! but everyone finds me hot and that makes everyone gay